Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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