What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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