Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
