Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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