she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
