Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
