So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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