you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
