i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
