Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize