Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
