she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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