I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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