Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize