At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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