so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
