I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate all girls vehemently.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize