i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize