I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
