Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
