i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
