drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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