im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
