In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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