Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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