apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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