i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
