so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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