AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
