So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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