How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
