Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
