when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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