i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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