I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
OPIZZABONMYDICK
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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