glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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