I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
