I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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