I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize