Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
