...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize