Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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