Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
