He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
