1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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