Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Can I color on your dick again?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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