He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
