At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize