oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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