we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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