your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
