ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
