Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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