i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
