I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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