This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
