apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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