Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
