I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
