wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
