so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize