Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
