just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
