i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
did i just pee glitter
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
